


Happy Imperial Mandatory Matesprit Appreciation Eve

by thoughtlesslyTruthful



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Fluff, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:54:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29567109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thoughtlesslyTruthful/pseuds/thoughtlesslyTruthful
Summary: Kanaya messages her wife from the store on Valentine's Day. They have some banter.
Relationships: Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 12
Kudos: 24





	Happy Imperial Mandatory Matesprit Appreciation Eve

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
  
GA: Rose  
GA: Are You There  
GA: I Guess You Probably Arent There Since You Are Not Responding To Me  
GA: Also Im Not Sure Where There Is  
GA: I Suppose Im Actually Asking Whether You Are At Your Computer  
GA: And Also Signed Into Pesterchum  
GA: Or Whether You Have Your Phone With You  
GA: Which Would Probably Be More Likely For Most People But Which Seems Slightly Less Likely Given The Amount Of Time You Spend Writing  
GA: That Was Not A Criticism For The Record  
GA: It Was Just A Statement Of Fact Regarding How You Generally Spend Time  
GA: Especially When I Am Not There  
GA: Which Is Fine I Mean I Used To Spend A Lot Of Time On My Computer Too  
GA: I Would Never Have Found Your Guide Otherwise  
GA: Tucked Away In The Furthest Corners Of The Internet On Some Magic Server  
GA: I Wonder If Its Still There  
GA: Hmm  
GA: No It Looks Like Its Inaccessible  
GA: Given The Destruction Of The Furthest Ring I Guess Thats To Be Expected  
GA: I Do Maintain A Local Copy Of Course  
TT: As a general rule, it's considered poor form to keep records of your wife's most embarrassing moments. In the interest of maintaining a healthy marriage, it might be in everyone's best interests if you were to delete it.  
GA: Thats Alright Im Content With An Only Mostly Healthy Marriage  
GA: I Know How Easily You Grow Restless If Things Get Too Peaceful  
TT: I like to think there are a handful of important exceptions.  
GA: Perhaps  
GA: Lets Look For Examples Of Contentedness After A Hundred Sweeps Or So And If We Conclude That You Were Correct I Will Go Ahead And Delete The File  
GA: Assuming That Is Still Something You Want Me To Do When That Day Comes  
TT: A fair compromise. Oh, I'm getting a vision! It's hazy, but... Yes, just as I expected: in order to maintain the integrity of the timeline, you'll have to delete it. Sorry, I don't make the rules!  
GA: I Am Not Falling For That Again  
GA: You Are Just Saying That Because You Know I Cannot Prove It Is A Ruse  
TT: It could be. Is that a chance you're really willing to take?  
GA: I Am Not Falling For That One Either  
GA: You Always Say That When I Point Out Your Seerly Shenanigans  
TT: Shenanigans! Such a cruel accusation from my beloved. If the timeline were going to reach such an ignoble end as this, I would have hoped we would at least be able to go out together. Alas, you would revoke even this cold comfort.  
TT: I will admit to mischievousness, rascality, and chicanery, sure  
TT: Perhaps to rabble-rousing, to trickery, or to rambunctiousness.  
TT: I've been known to indulge in pranking from time to time, given the necessary social pressures from our peers.  
GA: Rose  
TT: Tomfoolery? One could levy the accusation without inaccuracy, I suppose.  
GA: Rose  
TT: Should you wake in a cold sweat, you might catch me fashioning grim machinations for a fraction of a moment. Performing the cold calculations necessary to bring about nothing short of brazen misbehavior.  
GA: Alright Well You Are Clearly Enjoying Yourself So I Will Stop Trying To Put An End To This And Just Let You Have Fun Until You Are Ready To Continue  
TT: No, no, I'm done. What did you want, anyway?  
TT: Not that you need an excuse to contact me, but I assume you had a reason.  
TT: Call it magickal intuition.  
GA: I Think Its Probably More Likely That You Simply Know Me Well Enough To Predict That I Dont Generally Text You For The Purpose Of Initiating Casual Conversation  
GA: I Would Just Call You If I Wanted To Do That  
TT: It can be magic and mundane at the same time, but you're fundamentally accurate. Usually you text if you're trying to save time.  
GA: Which Is Going Really Well As We Can See  
TT: Ought I be held responsible for your decision to continue texting me after I didn't respond?  
GA: Well  
GA: Alright No I Guess I Had Kind Of Just Committed To This Means Of Communication By That Point  
GA: What Were You Doing Anyways  
TT: Crafting a Valentine's Day gift for you, naturally.  
GA: What  
GA: Is It The Imperial Mandatory Matesprit Appreciation Eve Already  
TT: Kanaya, you know I'm almost always willing to adopt the delightfully stilted aristocratic Alternian terminology.  
TT: But that one sucks.  
GA: Yeah  
GA: I Guess My Contention With The Human Name For The Analogous Holiday Is That Im Still Not Entirely Certain What A Valentine Is  
GA: Is It A Person Or A Card Or A Gift Or The Name Of The Man After Which The Day Is Named  
GA: Who I Am Given To Understand Was A Religious Figure Largely Unrelated To Matespritship And Who In Fact Would As A Member Of The Clergy Have Been Forbidden To Engage In Human Marriage  
TT: God, I love it when you question tradition to me.  
TT: Still, it's the name Earth C went with, so it's what I'm going to keep calling it. Besides, it's neither mandatory nor imperial, so yours is inaccurate.  
GA: Its Safe To Say You More Or Less Touched That To The Extent Anything Can Reasonably Be Said To Have Been Touched  
TT: Thanks.  
TT: But seriously, why did you want to talk to me? I have crafting to get back to.  
GA: Crafting  
TT: Kanaya.  
GA: Right Sorry  
GA: I Am At The Grocery Store  
GA: Is There Anything You Want Me To Pick Up While I Am Here  
TT: What store are you at?  
GA: Crockermart  
TT: Eugh.  
GA: I Know The Quality Is Not What It Could Be But I Feel Bad Shopping At Other Grocery Stores  
GA: Besides I Grow Most Of Our Fruits And Vegetables Myself Anyways  
GA: And Their Bread Tastes Nice  
TT: They have an excellent selection of baked goods, I'll give them that.  
TT: Maybe you could pick up some champagne?  
TT: It's something of a human tradition to drink on special occasions.  
GA: Yes I Know What Champagne Is  
GA: We Explicitly Decided Not To Have Any At Our Wedding After You Explained To Me What It Was The First Time  
TT: Right.  
GA: ...  
TT: ...?  
GA: Do Not Append A Surprise Noodle To Your Finish Crumbs At Me  
TT: Good idea. Could you pick up some ramen and croutons while you're there?  
GA: Why Are You Asking Me To Acquire Soporifics For You  
TT: Because I think I'm ready.  
GA: Ready  
GA: Ready To What  
GA: Rose I Can See That You Are Averse To Clarifying Your Intentions Here But If You Could Launch Into A Detailed Explanation Any Second Now It Would Do A Lot To Assuage What I Believe To Be Quite Reasonable Concerns  
TT: I am, I promise. I wasn't trying to be vague, I've just written and rewritten my explanation several times over the last few minutes. Please give me a moment.  
TT: I love you.  
GA: I Love You Too  
GA: I Hope That Was Not Your Explanation  
TT: It's not, it just seemed like something I ought to say to make you feel better while I continue refining my response — which also ought to make you feel better, for what it's worth.  
GA: Alright  
GA: Do You Want Anything Else While You Are Typing  
TT: Maybe you could grab some dinner? I already got us a dessert, but I've got nothing prepared for the meal itself.  
GA: Are You Sure  
GA: I Was Going To Make Us A Grubloaf  
TT: Ah.  
TT: While I don't wish to be culturally insensitive, and it does feel sufficiently macabre as to ostensibly fit among my interests, I still feel kind of unsettled eating what is essentially a lump of baby troll flesh.  
GA: Well You Know Its Imitation  
GA: Genuine Grub Flesh Is Incredibly Illegal On Earth C  
GA: And Would Be Fairly Hypocritical For Me To Consume All Thing Considered  
TT: Right. It only tastes like an infant troll.  
GA: Do You Not Like My Grubloaf  
TT: The most unsettling part is that I do.  
TT: Far be it for me to blackball your favorite meal. Grubloaf it is.  
TT: If you start searching the supermarket for imitation baby meat, however, I'm going to have to draw a line.  
GA: As A General Rule I Dont Consume Anything With Hands  
TT: You drank my blood just this morning.  
GA: As A General Rule I Dont Consume The Flesh Of Anything With Hands  
TT: An ominous clarification. Are my bones next?  
TT: So. I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I believe I'm prepared to attempt drinking again. It's a commonly held belief that once you're an alcoholic, you're always an alcoholic, but there's no scientific basis to this. I've looked at the research, and while it's true that alcoholism is frequently episodic, and that relapse is always a danger, it's also true that some people can reduce their drinking to non-problematic levels without succumbing to relapse.  
TT: I am not comfortable living in perpetual fear of being handed a wine list, and I hate being the reason all of our friends look uncomfortable ordering a beer at dinner.  
TT: Even Roxy indulged in that ridiculous candy at our wedding.  
TT: On top of that, I have reason to believe my alcohol dependency was rooted in a series of related traumas surrounding my mother.  
TT: Most of which I'm still coping with.  
TT: But I don't want to run from this. I don't want to live a life of constant paranoia, where my only choices are endless temptation or a decadent spiral into vice. I can have a glass of champagne with my wife on Valentine's Day without turning into a fucking idiot, God damn it.  
GA: Wow  
GA: Alright That Was A Lot  
GA: Let Me Just Go Over It Again And Take Some Time To Process It  
TT: Of course. And if you're not comfortable with it, I can stay sober. I won't make this decision unilaterally.  
GA: ...  
GA: I Just Realized I Am Standing In The Middle Of The Frozen Pizza Aisle Looking Extremely Pensive  
GA: People Must Be Looking At Me And Thinking  
GA: "Wow She Is Really Torn Between The Meat Lovers And The Hawaiian"  
TT: I think anyone looking at you is probably thinking "holy shit, that's Kanaya Maryam-Lalonde. She created the universe, saved her species from extinction, and invented kissing."  
GA: What  
GA: I Did Not Invent Kissing  
GA: Why Would They Think I Invented Kissing  
GA: Im Not Even Sure Kissing Is The Sort Of Thing A Person Can Take Credit For Having Invented  
GA: Whatever Species Created The Universe With Alternia In It Probably Had Kissing So Even The Very First Troll To Kiss Probably Cant Be Said To Have Invented Kissing  
TT: I took a few creative liberties while writing our history. A harmless bit of romantic revisionism. For all intents and purposes, you invented kissing.  
TT: Congratulations.  
GA: Wow Alright  
GA: I Guess I Will Try To Live Up To The Responsibilities Inherent To Being The Fictional Progenitor Of The Entire Concept Of Kissing  
TT: You already do, trust me.  
GA: Please Do Not Make Me Blush While I Am Standing In Front Of The Milk  
TT: ;)  
GA: I Dont Think I Understand The Context That Makes That A Thing To Wink At  
TT: (;  
GA: Why Is Your Right Eye Angled Up But Your Left Eye Is Angled Down  
TT: Wow, racist.  
GA: What  
TT: Not to pressure you, but where are we standing vis a vis the champagne?  
TT: I'm not in a rush to drink, I want to clarify that. I'd just like to know if I need to psych myself up for this.  
GA: Its A More Difficult Decision Than I Thought It Would Be  
GA: On The One Hand I Wish To Be Supportive Of Your Decision And Be There For You While You Test These Dangerous Waters In What Is Hopefully The First Step Towards Truly Overcoming The Problem  
GA: But On The Other Hand I Would Be Lying If I Said I Did Not Fear You Are Subconsciously Fabricating This Motivation In Order To Simply Start Drinking In Excess All Over Again  
GA: I Do Trust You  
GA: But The Last Time I Trusted You On This Matter It Went Poorly  
TT: I understand.  
TT: That's a no, then?  
GA: It's A Not Now  
GA: I Am Not Aggressively Opposed To It  
GA: I Just Wasnt Prepared To Have This Sprung On Me Is All  
GA: How About Next Year So I Have Time To Emotionally Prepare  
TT: Shrewd. You get the short term benefits of saying no, but you've successfully minimized any hurt feelings I might have had over a perceived lack of trust. I like to think I declare my love on a sufficiently frequent basis, but I don't often take the time to emphasise how much I respect you.  
TT: Next year, then.  
GA: I Love And Respect You Too  
GA: Perhaps I Will Get Us Some Non Alcoholic Champagne As A Test Run  
TT: Somewhere, wherever it is people go when they die and haven't had a bargain made on their behalf with the Noble Circle in order to dwell in bubbles blown by a dreaming god upon their demise, my mother is stomping feverishly at the prospect of non-alcoholic champagne. That sounds delightful, Sweetheart.  
TT: Have you ever had champagne before?  
GA: No  
TT: Well, this should be fun.  
TT: You're cute when you sneeze.  
GA: That Seems Like A Sufficiently Ominous Note To End On  
GA: I Am Paying Now  
GA: By Which I Mean I Am Hassling The Cashier To Allow Me To Pay  
GA: Looks Like Its Not Going To Happen  
GA: More Free Groceries I Guess  
TT: You'll find a way to drain our bank account one day, I'm sure.  
GA: I Sincerely Hope The Total Is Not Subtracted From This Womans Pay  
GA: At Least I Think Shes A Woman  
TT: Carapacian?  
GA: Consort  
TT: Scandalous.  
GA: You Are Ridiculous  
GA: And For The Third Time I Am Going To Tell You I Love You  
GA: And Then I Will Begin Heading Home  
TT: I love you, too.  
TT: See you soon.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \-- 


End file.
